An Idiot's guide to making Tortoise's look smart
by Rose6
Summary: The gods are sick of Helen's complaining and are back to shut her up


Title: An Idiot's guide to making Tortoises look smart.  
  
Author's note: Well here we are again, yet another story from the weird side of my head. This is yet another challenge, given to me by Ally and Jewel with the command that it be done for Livvy's Birthday, so:  
  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE.  
  
Ok the elements are:  
  
A burnt out lightbulb, flat champagne, a police scanner, off milk, size 22 underwear, a chewed up barbie, a corny poem, missed Taxi, beach ball, Monopoly.  
  
Apparently when I said five elements they took that as meaning five each.  
  
Anyway hope you all like it. Happy Birthday Livvy, sending you all my best wishes and hoping a neatly wrapped human size box arrives with your presents….. don't cover the air holes Dylan hates not being able to breathe, and he needs to see so he can make sure the red ribbon is perfectly placed when you rip the box open for first inspections..  
  
Omni's note: The actual reason I'm back….well I may be god like, but that doesn't mean I don't love praise. This whole helping anonymously thing drives me batty, I want fame man, fame, and this fic while not the huge fame I want at least it shows a few people just how damn good I am. Alright I have to clarify things, you see Rose is not insane. Well not really, or at least not as much as this fic may make her seem. You see when Rose discovered us, and our powers I decided to use her to help you all see the truth behind the happenings in the real-life world of the Practice, but at the same time I needed to make sure you all didn't believe it. I mean come on we are all, much as we don't like to admit it, aware of the selfish nature of humanity and quite frankly I wasn't sure I was able to put up with the onslaught of calls for help which would result from the world becoming aware of my existence. So I played her, I made her write this, while twisting everything she said to make her look insane, and well I think have you all fooled, so off I go to right the wrongs of your insane society and make you all sleep a little better at night.  
  
(Btw, Happy Birthday Livvy, I was going to ignore the Helen/Mike situation. But I knew you wanted to see it progress and well this is my little way of thanking you for using your own fic's to so brilliantly fix some of the crimes against humanity DEK has committed lately.)  
  
Feedback: Yes yes yes, please send. I could beg, and I will if it comes down to it…but then again I also have an omnipotent being on my side and well he owes me. Thanks for all the feedback on the last part, hope this ones lives up to it. Please tell me what you think, you're opinions mean so much to me.  
  
Disclaimer: Ok so things are going better with the turtles… they have decided life is worth living and I have whole heartedly apologized, so with this fic I was careful and no animals were injured in the making of this fic. Helen was tortured mentally, but then hey, Mental torture is a daily event when you have a mind like hers and besides I think she's probably a little to…. distracted right now to even notice.  
  
********************  
  
Do you people ever stop stuffing up? I mean really, could the people on this show…. Make that… in this world be any more screwed up. I know I said I was going off to solve that whole Mulder/Scully sexual tension thing, and I was…but as I was getting out of Bobby's office (leaving what was becoming quite a floorshow let me tell you) I happened to run into Helen, it wasn't pretty. I mean I literally ran into her, I don't even wanna imagine the bruises those hipbones would leave if I was human. Anyway see the way it works is if I touch a human its like you pour ice water on me and I get sucked momentarily into the simpleminded mess that is the human psyche. I was only in her head for seconds before I recoiled in fright, but what I saw was terrifying, and even though I technically don't have a heart, or morals for that matter, I couldn't run the risk of any other Omni ever hitting her and suffering like I had.  
  
Ok so the whole Helen problem…not fixable, the women is a VB short of a six pack, but on the whole desperate and dateless thing I can help…. I'm just lucky I don't feel guilt, I mean the guy I picked for her is decent, sweet, nice in a policeman kinda way, and I am gonna subject him to the pure hell of being with this women and her neurosis…. But then hey, the reasons I picked him were a) they kinda have a sexual tension thing b) he's kinda perfect for her, and c) he unlike many other guys has a gun and is not afraid to use it on her in the interest of humanity.  
  
So here we go…. I'd ask if you remember the drill, but hey I'm pretty damn sure you don't, so if you see this '*blah blah blah*' That's me talking, alternatively if the thoughts a) make sense, b) use words larger than 3 syllables long and not involving the general idea that Helen is hard done by then you know its me. If its none of the above its either Helen, or Mike, or anyone else who decides to walk in and make my day a little more hellish…..Oooooh I'm excited.  
  
*******************  
  
Ok so my day is just getting better and better, first I'm walking down the street and whom do I see…..'James Turner' *Oh yeah him…how on earth could we all have forgotten him…please now she is ranting to us about guys we never heard of, you know cause we don't get enough of hearing her complain about the well-endowed guy from Ally, Bobby, Richard……..I'd go on, but lets face it the women has been around the block a fair few times* That's right… the guy I dated when I first became a DA, he broke it off with me cause he said he never wanted anything serious… I saw him in this beautiful park reading a CORNY POEM to a woman in a white dress while people threw confetti… I think someone needs to re-explain the definition of serious to him. So I thought I'd just come down here and take Linds to lunch, she'd listen to me bitch. She'd listen to all the nagging thoughts in my head right now that are telling me 'I'm never gonna have anyone'. 'I'm gonna grow old and alone and live somewhere were I will be the scary old spinster who hits on the mail man and gets her house toilet papered nightly'. She'd listen to those, she'd make me feel better and then we'd talk about our pathetic lives for hours and get each other through this…..She would right. *Wow, Helen's friend…after that description I bet your all racing each other to the phone to apply for that job. My god I know I called Lindsay an idiot, but I gotta respect someone whom can listen to this woman's problems for years and not at least try and top themselves once. * So I walk in, and no one is there…..NO ONE. I know its silly but I kinda feel like they deserted me in my hour of need. *You remember how I called Bobby self centered, ok so you don't… or maybe I didn't do that bit out loud. Anyway scratch that thought cause I'm currently thinking that word describes Helen quite well and lumping Bobby in with her is just being mean to my dear old tortoise man. …The women is self centered to the emotionally unstable point and while I'm at it I may as well mention she is not the brightest bulb on the tree. …But then she did pass college so I can only guess that she was hit by a thrown hat at graduation causing her bulb to burn out quickly. * I mean not even Lucy, and she would only annoy me but at least she'd be here, at least she'd take my mind off the mess that is my love life. Or if it came down to it I could use her the same way I did my faithful old CHEWED UP BARBIE and beat her tiny little head against the nearest desk until someone came and made it all better. *Would you think me mean if I propelled Lucy through the door with a prepared rude comment…the image that thought is giving me is one I simply have to see to believe. Fine I won't then, my New Years resolution was to only kill for fun on Thursday's anyway.*  
  
So just as I am beginning to think no one is here I hear something coming from Bobby's office, not like a people noise, or talking or anything, but a huge crash. Like someone fell over or something, and even if I am feeling awful I can't ignore the fact that someone might be hurt in there, like maybe Bobby…. Or Lindsay fell over, they could be hurt, anyway I have to go in and make sure everything is ok. *I should warn her, someone did fall over, but it wasn't an accident and it occurred while performing the only task you can do in an office and not claim compo for if injured….. Oh and you know you have issues when you can turn being nosy into a selfless favor for the good of mankind… she really just wants to see what/who Bobby is doing… well isn't she in for a little surprise. *  
  
Slowly I walk forward and knock, no one answers and this terrifies me if they really did fall and they aren't answering it must mean they are hurt. So I push open the door and… slam it again really damn quickly. But not before I hear the one thing I really didn't need to hear today, a rather emotional Bobby telling Lindsay, my Lindsay, the one person who I thought I could count on to make me feel better today, that he loved her. That wasn't really a scene I needed to see today, or ever … Oh and I don't believe bobby's desk was designed to be used that way. *Which obviously explains her habit of not knocking on bedroom doors… After meeting this woman, Tortoise man and Tortoise woman are in no danger of losing their titles, mainly because not even I would insult the tortoise species that much by lumping her in with them. In fact I think the little metal dog in a MONOPOLY game would be insulted if lumped Helen in with it. *  
  
And so I ran, just ran…I left the office and well I thought I headed towards my office, but I ended up somewhere else, it was like this little park I'd never seen before, on the corner of a street I had never heard of, in a part of the town I wasn't even aware existed. *This is part of why I love the stupid ones though, the reason she never saw the park before is cause it doesn't exist. I kind of created a little third dimension in the middle of Boston, funnily enough right where her office is. Its ok, she can escape, all she has to do is leave, walk a block and she'll be right back in a place she knows… a little confused probably, but then hey whats new. Oh and you're asking why I did this, well D'uh the human tree obviously has very few bright bulbs. Think of why I'm doing this… she's here to meet someone, to meet them in a place where her screwed up little mind is well… not so hounded, by the realities of everyday life.*  
  
Just as I am starting to once again slip into that whole feeling sorry for myself, no one loves me thing *She left it? How did I not notice that, oh that's right, what she doesn't realize is that that is who she is, feeling sorry for herself is to this woman what breathing is to you or me, well you, I don't breathe but if I did it'd be like that.* When suddenly out of nowhere Mike appears, I mean I look down he's not there, I look up he's there. In fact it almost appears as if he just got there magically, he's kinda leaning on something, I can only guess he thinks it is a car door and he's holding a POLICE SCANNER towards what I'm guessing was once oncoming traffic. *Ok she wasn't meant to look up till he fell over and sorted himself out, my god this is gonna take some work to explain it.* After leaning a little too hard on whatever it is Mike imagines he is leaning on, he falls and my laughing obviously alerts him to my presence because he looks up rather startled at my outburst.  
  
"Helen?" he asks, his eyes shooting around filled with bewilderment at the surroundings.  
  
"Mike" I reply, his joke has rather lightened my mood and I am more than willing to keep playing along. *And I am once again reminded of why I love the stupid ones*.  
  
"Where are we?" he asks, "Why are we? I was doing speeding tickets on Deshon St a minute ago I swear".  
  
"Oh yeah Mike" I whisper conspiratively, "and I am sure the Dark Lord apparated you here so you could duel him to the death."  
  
"Where are we?" he asks his eyes genuinely confused. It's now I start to realize he really has no idea why he's here, or how he got here and well the thought is a little terrifying.  
  
"I have no idea" I reply, "I ran out of Bobby's office and here I was"  
  
"And I just kinda appeared here". We look at each other with a mixture of confusion and fear, what the hell has happened to us.  
  
*Ok, you know what I hate it when I go and put one with a brain into the picture, it's like when I fixed up Jarod and Miss Parker, those two were too damn smart to just accept all the coincidences (I had to play dirty) and now Mike is too. Guess I'm gonna have to explain myself… ugh I hate talking to mortals*.  
  
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Silently I appear out of thin air, my body shimmering slightly in the disgusting filth that you people seem to think is air. I stand their quietly watching them as they both look animatedly around and question the very logic of what has happened to them. It takes a moment for them to even notice my presence, but it becomes clear they have when Helen takes a sharp intake of breath and grabs Mike's arm. He too notices me and the two stare at each other in quiet shock, I am guessing it is the slightly transparent sheen I have that worries them because she reaches out then and attempts to touch me, as if she believes I am nothing but a trick of light… Well we all know that would hardly be a big leap for someone as stupid as her. Instantly I step back, the absolute horror of having her touch me and once again having to visit the nightmare on elm street that is her mind is to fresh in my mind and too numbing for me to even consider trying it again.  
  
"If you touch me I have to see inside your mind deary, and quite frankly I am above the idea of self mutilation" I say to her, finding myself unable to hide the pity I feel for the poor stupid women from my voice.  
  
"Who are you?" she whispers, her eyes showing both her anger at my comment and absolute fear at what I might be.  
  
"I'm everything," I reply, "That is as close as I can get in explanation, no word has yet been discovered that can convey all that I am, all that I have, and all I can be. Your mind boggles at the thought of how much power your own President has Miss Gamble, it could never encompass the true power that is me. Omnipotent is the closest description I can give you, and yet even that fails to express both my power and your inability to ever understand it. I am powerful, and yet powerless. I am the guardian of fate, the overseer of destiny. I have the power to create or end the world, nothing is beyond me and nothing is below me. I am who I am, and today I am yours".  
  
"Mine" she asks, her mind still whirring over my explanation and trying desperately to understand it. "Your God?" she asks.  
  
I giggle slightly and find myself wondering why I ever tried to explain myself, no one will ever understand me, the smartest man alive will struggle with the notion and then give up, there is no way this woman will understand even the idea of who I am.  
  
"I am a God, not the god… the being you refer to as god is one of many, one of thousands who control you, who watch you, who design your fate and engineer your world to allow you to succeed. I am but one."  
  
"Why?" Mike whispers, his eyes drifting as searching the environment for clues as too my identity.  
  
"Why you? Well that's easy Mike… The world is made in such a way so that every person can win, so every person has everything they need to make themselves something, to live to their full potential, to be everything they can be. It wants you to win… And quite frankly neither of you are winning, neither of you are even running in the race any more. You're BEACH BALLS being tossed back and forth by the crowd, one throw forward and you think you're in with a chance, and then your thrown back. You never get ahead, and yet you never get behind enough to realize that your going nowhere and need to make some changes. And well I had to make you see this before it reaches the point where you are sitting on a couch, eating donuts, wearing size 22 underwear and wondering why everyone else is out celebrating the beauty of their life's achievements and you have none to celebrate. If you don't hurry up you're gonna miss the taxi, the bus, the limo ride that is life and its gonna hit the point where you suddenly realize its over and you've gone nowhere."  
  
"Ok so bringing us here was spose to help with that how?" Helen asks, her tone once again taking that acid tone, the one that tells you she is pissed off, but in this case you could tell she was only using to hide her anger and upset, I mean really after all I just said you'd think she'd realize that won't work.  
  
"Well look around you, look who's here. This is supposed to help you realize one part of what fate wants for you. Think about it Helen, why were you so upset today? Why are you always so upset? Why do you miss a huge number of the opportunity's life throws at you? Because you're so damn busy mourning your pathetic love life, wandering around thinking about why it's so bad, about why everyone but you is so happy. You don't even realize that fate sent you the person you were spose to be with, even wrapped him in a uniform just the way you like them."  
  
Helen looks sideways at Mike, who has now frozen into nothing more than a hint. The real Mike I sent back to give out speeding tickets and this one is nothing more than a prop.  
  
"You mean…." She asks while pointing to him and looking at me with eyes that ask more questions that mind could possibly hold at once.  
  
"Yes Mike, you too are a match quite literally made in heaven. Once you've worked out what to do with him, and how to fix that side of your life then you might be able to grab that taxi and start heading forward Helen."  
  
With that I slowly begin to fade away, and so does she. The park she was sitting in slowly becomes her office and she is transported back to world of the living with at least an idea of what life wants of her.  
  
*******************  
  
Slowly everything has faded, and I find myself back in my office, everything is as I left it and the world is normal. I must of dozed off I mean really an omnipotent being, maybe I should eat something I mean that might help my mind act a little less weirdly. As I think this though words appear on the diary page before me and the reality of the situation is rammed home as I read the words.  
  
** Eating something would be a lot easier if the contents of your kitchen didn't consist of: 1. Bottle Off milk**  
  
Oh shit. He was real.  
  
Its at that moment that the door to my office swings open and standing in the doorway was none other than Mike, and boy does he look confused.  
  
"Helen" he whispers, his tone asking the question his mind can't even fathom.  
  
"Yeah" I reply, my mind whispering over and over that this is all a big joke, a big game my mind is playing with me… there is no way it really happened.  
  
"Um…. I was wondering, this is going to sound weird but…."  
  
"But…" I ask, prompting him forward into hopefully revealing his knowledge of the joke that has been played on me.  
  
"I was just wondering, um, you know if anything odd had happened to you today, you know anything you can't explain" he asks shyly, his body language and tone indicating his absolute embarrassment at the question and at what he believes has happened.  
  
"Anything weird?" I ask, my tone denying the feeling the fear that gripped my heart at his question, and instead mocking him slightly. My gosh, maybe it did happen. "Sure" I continue, my tone covering for the feelings currently swamping my mind and body by becoming even more acidic and condescending. "I was abducted by aliens this morning, then I walked in on the judges playing limbo in courtroom 2, and even weirder I appeared against Ellenor this morning and she didn't once try anything dirty. Why did something weird happen to you Mike?".  
  
"No" he whispers, his eyes betraying his hurt at my comments, in fact the look in them almost makes me think he was hoping the …um the guy thing's words were true, hoping we were meant to be. Oddly enough that thought fills me with the most intensely joyful feeling I have ever known. My face softens out of its harsh grin and takes a caring almost loving gaze as I step forward, place my hand on his shoulder and hear myself asking,  
  
"Tell me?" I am almost begging now, "Tell me what you mean by weird".  
  
"Nothing" he replies, his body rigid with shock at the quick turn around I have taken. * Ok and as with the Tortoise man I am forced to jump in, my gosh what is it with these men and there inability to say what they are thinking… Human men either have no guts, or are totally willing to spend their lives alone rather than contemplate the thought of showing weakness… And you wonder why I call you stupid*.  
  
"Tell me, please" I whisper again, * at this I jump in and give the man a small dose of courage… ok really I just jumped into his physical being and made his mouth talk, but then hey he's talking and I'm calling that courage*  
  
"I had a dream, it must have been a dream, but it seemed so real, so impossible and unworldly, yet at the same time real and wonderful."  
  
"What was it?"  
  
"You and me, in this park, this beautiful park I'd never seen before, and there was this guy. He shimmered, he floated, he wasn't real, but he was real. He told us he was the keeper of fate and that he was here…."  
  
"To jumpstart our paths in life, to make sure we don't miss the taxi ride that is life" I answer for him, my eyes misting over slightly and my heart beating out of control as I wonder just what his reaction will be. "He said we belonged together, and neither of us could move forward till we acknowledged that". My voice is barely audible now, but I know he can hear me from the thoughtful uncertain nodding of his head.  
  
"You had the dream too" he asks, his voice small and uncertain as he ponders just what my answer will be, not only to this question but also to the unspoken question that followed it.  
  
"Yeah" I reply in a tear filled, emotional voice.  
  
"And what did this dream mean to you? How did it make you feel?" he asks, finally wording the one question we had both been searching for an answer to and had been to scared to ask.  
  
"It made me feel.. it made… um… " His eyes have dropped to the floor and he appears heartbroken at what he thinks will be my negative answer, "… the world.." I finally answer, "It meant the world to me" I answer in an almost silent, choking cry that tells him finally of my unmistakable, incredible joy at the idea that he was mine. "And you?" I ask, or I attempt to ask, but before I can even finish the question, before the thought is even fully formed in my head actually I find myself in his arms. I find him holding me so tight, his face buried in my neck as he breathes deeply and tried to control the tear strangled sobs that are causing his body to shake almost violently in my arms. I too find myself crying, and just holding him. Holding on for dear life as if worried now that this day I have waited for, this moment I have dreamed of will be over before I can fully experience it and memorize it's every detail and emotion.  
  
We stand and hold each other for the moment, each of us trying to deal with the amazing swell of emotion that has arrived with this moment, but after a while he pulls back. His hand finds it way to my face and he strokes my cheek while staring at me with an expression of absolute wonder and joy. And then it happens he leans toward me, our lips meet and in that instant I know the Omni, God, the angel or whatever he was obviously on the right train of thought.  
  
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You know I think the worst thing about chess has to be the corny endings, I know its kinda my job to make sure it all ends the way fate wrote it but really I hate this whole benign, making it right thing… I mean just once can't I fix up something where the right ending is a brawl, or at least a violent, horrific death. Anyway, you want to know how this ends, well let me tell you this; I've done my bit. I've started the ball rolling and now I'm gone… Fate tends to play out strange, it tends to change and mend with the times and the lives of the players. Maybe they'll live happily ever after in the beautiful house, with 2.5 children and a silky terrier named Bob. Maybe this will end with a bottle of flat champagne and two confused, embarrassed people tomorrow morning (but really I went to this much trouble if you think I am letting that happen then I have been giving you tortoise people way too much credit). All I'll tell you is that fate has decided these too can only win in life if they do it together, and the world is designed, created and structured in such a way that everyone has the opportunity to win.… So put two and two together, pull on a fancy suit and I'll see ya at the wedding.  
  
Now I really am off to deal with that whole Mulder/Scully issue, its time those two figured it out. Besides this very moment now Scully is fighting Mulder on whether or not people like me exist and quite frankly I can't wait to prove her wrong and take her down a peg or two.  
  
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End file.
